Aubrey Harmon

Centered Heart Coaching

Trust

  How would it feel to live with wise trust, with the sense that things will somehow work out, perhaps not in the way you think they should, but in some magnificent way?

Jack Kornfield, No Time Like the Present

I have not been a sanguine person. Family and friends who have known me longest might call this an understatement. Though I often presented a cheerful facade, I tended to a deep-seated anxiety and recurring periods of depression. I went to a psychiatrist in my twenties and began medication and this evened my moods out enough to live life without crying on the back stairs for no reason. It allowed me to do deep work in therapy and with my coach, to have two children, to survive and thrive after divorce.

Slowly, very slowly, things began to shift in my heart. I learned I could pass through experiences that had scared me the most. I learned to treat my fear not as something to be shoved away or drowned out with alcohol and food and television – because none of those things worked long-term – but as a piece of me deserving kindness. 

I began to speak gently to myself when I was afraid, as I would do for my kids. Even though I would never berate them for their fear of the dark, or fear of scary parts in movies, or any of the myriad things that I, as an adult, knew weren’t objectively frightening, I would internally criticize my own ‘irrational’ fears. Oddly enough this never fixed the fear. Once I began giving myself permission to feel my fear and to keep moving forward anyway, the fears began to fade.

In this more spacious frame of mind, I started reading Jack Kornfield’s “No Time Like the Present”. The quote above dropped into my heart like a stone into a pond, sending out ripples through me. No matter how much I might wish it were otherwise (and I wish this a lot) there is much in the world that I can’t control. Worry won’t control it. Work won’t control it. So there are two choices – either fret and rail against the way things are, or surrender to trust, and maybe even to faith. Faith that even though certain things are shitty or difficult, in the end it will work out in some magnificent way. I’ve tried the fretting and the railing. I am beginning to try trust. As I allow myself to sink into trust, I feel a stillness in my center and I want more of this. 

My kids are away visiting their grandparents on the East Coast this week. I have been taking the opportunity to sit in quiet and simply feel present. In the evening twilight I sit on my back deck and listen to the wind sighing through the trees, to the birds singing, to other kids playing in the distance. and I allow myself to trust in this still place.

Stars at night shine above a tree. "Pretend the Universe is rigged in your favor," Rumi.
Pretend the Universe is rigged in your favor. ~ Rumi

1 Comment

  1. Beautiful, Aubrey. Thank you for sharing.

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