Light in the leaves

In the past month, things have been challenging for my family. A pain that began years ago resurfaced again, on its way to resolution. Even with all I learned in my training as a grief counselor, I thought that because I had healed in the intervening years, this new development would be relatively easy. I’m sure no one is surprised that it was not so.

I was discussing it with my adviser at seminary, and in the conversation I wondered aloud – where is God in this? I surprised myself with the question.

But I also sat with it. While the kids were out of town last week, I began to craft my answer.

God is in the comfort I find, sometimes. In the moments of peace. In the understanding that there is still an ‘okay’ in the world and that one day I will feel the okay again. God is in the music when I close my eyes and let go. God is in the candle point of light in the dark. God is in the understanding that I am not alone in my pain – I am not the only one who hurts, has lost, sorrows. God is in the understanding that all of it is part of being alive, part of being human in the world, even when it is horrible and we don’t understand. God is in the spots of beauty we can find. The leaves changing color. The fruit ripening on the trees. The rain after a long dry season.

At the bottom of everything is an okay. As Julian of Norwich wrote, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” This is what I hold to – it is God that is the Well, and in that Wellness I can rest.