At 42 years old, I finally feel like I have not only found my path but have begun to walk it with gratitude, pleasure, and joy. I wouldn’t have imagined, even three years ago, that I would be in this place – feeling solid in myself, grounded, standing full in my power.
I spent most of my life giving away my power, looking to other people for answers, or for permission. I wanted to do what I ‘should’ do to be a good girl. I felt like I always had to do the right thing, even when there was no single right thing. I had to be perfect, and if I couldn’t be perfect I had to at least keep my messiness hidden. Don’t be too loud, too much, too emotional.
For my parents, I had to be the Good Daughter, the Easy One. When I began dating my boyfriend in high school, I had to be the Good Girlfriend, and then when we married the Good Wife. If I didn’t do what I was supposed to, I would be left alone and I would not be able to survive it. None of this was true, but it was my truth.
I struggled with anxiety and depression – my fears kept me small, my life circumscribed.
Even so – I made some movements to follow my heart – in college, I joined the LGBT Alliance and came out as bisexual; I joined the campus feminist group; I wrote novels and stories; I moved across the country to San Francisco, and got in touch with my hippie side; I got my Masters in Psychology; I married my boyfriend; I got pregnant.
Becoming a mother, giving birth and having a son and a daughter, forced me to grow up and into myself in ways I never imagined, and for which I will always be grateful.
Tai was born in 2008 and Miriam in 2011. Tai made me a mom, and I had to stretch to give him what he needed. From the very beginning, he was outgoing and gregarious, an extrovert. We joined classes and a mom’s group, met other moms and kids and I began to broaden my horizons. Miriam also forced me to grow – though she was more discerning and introverted. She needed a strong mama to show her how to be a strong woman in the world. My world grew larger.
Then, in 2014 I realized that despite therapy and work, my marriage was not fixable. He moved out and I was suddenly a single mom with no career. I was fortunate to connect with a part-time administrative position which brought in a (small) paycheck and allowed me to still be with my kids. But it wasn’t my passion.
By 2016 I’d added a second part-time job as a grant writer. I enjoyed using my storytelling skills to help nonprofits get needed funding… but I was still feeling restless, like I was spinning my wheels in life. One day I came across Amy Ahlers and her Mama Truth Retreat. SARK (one of my heroes) would be there. And it was going to be in Hawaii – with a chance to swim with dolphins. I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I needed to be a part of it. The retreat was my first experience with coaching and it lit me up. I learned about my Inner Critic; I discovered how I had kept myself small. I signed up for a 6-month coaching package and didn’t look back.
Since I began my coaching journey I have: moved into my own house in a small town, completed Get Gutsy Coach Training School with Jenny Fenig, taken a Transformational Coach program with SARK and Scott Mills, went swimming with wild dolphins, and attended a retreat in Costa Rica – traveling out of the US by myself for the first time. I have discovered my mission – to help women who are feeling lost in their roles and their “should”s reconnect to their heart center and live an intentional, creative life.
I have been lost in the roles of “Good Daughter/Partner/Mother” and have come out the other side to show up as my full self in my life. If you work with me, you will learn techniques to come into connection with your heart’s center, to live from this place and find more joy and peace in your daily life.